Till min kropp / For my body
You have fought valiantly. Through it all you have been so strong, so unbelievably brave. I have put you through horror, pushed you through difficulties beyond imagination, but been deaf for your pleading, ignored your cries for help. Never once did I stop to appreciate your hard work, never once did I show you any gratitude. I have taken you for granted for an endless amount of time, and for that I am deeply sorry. If only I had noticed your struggles earlier, perhaps my humbleness could have been your salvation. However, it is too late for that now.
Oh, how I have hated you. Unfairly, uncontrollably, most of the time unknowingly, but still purely, completely – yes, very, very much indeed. Every visible inch of you, every movement, every strength and every weakness of yours. Still, I cannot tell why, and it sure is a shame it would have to come to this before I would realise the harm is has caused you. If only I had recognised you then, as I do now, I would have praised you beyond measure, and your suffering (that is also mine) could have been avoided.
It is a constant pain. An always present, never ending pain all over. Mostly in the legs. A lot in the hands and fingers. The neck, shoulders and back as well, of course. The arms hurt too, but it is foremost their sudden weakness that hurt the most. You are tired, you have been tired for years, and I am not surprised that you finally got enough. I am sad, because it is all my fault, but as I look back, I would be lying if I said I never meant it to turn out like this. There are no excuses. If I had wanted a different outcome, I would have stopped myself years ago. Even if I never doubted my mortality, I believed its sole purpose was to please, and so I did; everyone, but myself. It is this imbalance that has brought me here.
There is only one way in which we can change the outcomes of the past, and that is to change the present. My body may not ever be free of pain, nor will it ever have the energy of a younger, less damaged one, but I want to promise it that I will not ever put it through the likes of its past discomforts. I do not know if that is promise I am able to keep, but at least the love I now feel towards you, is just as pure as the hatred I once felt. Pure as a melody.